I decided to grab some lunch with some work colleagues at lunch time, and this time we decided to go to Jensen's, a Danish steak restaurant with some outlets in Sweden and Germany. I ordered the lunchbiff (lunch steak) as usual and tucked into it when it arrived. About halfway through, I took a chunk and realised, mid-chewing, that there was a streak of hard fat in there. After realising that I wouldn't be able to swallow this, I had to take it out of my mouth. I then took another chunk, chewed it as normal and, as I tried to swallow, my usual bodily functions froze - I couldn't swallow the meat.
It was just then that I had a sudden panic attack - the heart boomed in my ribcage, my mouth went dry, I tensed, I shook like a leaf, I became wide-eyed, very self-aware, short of breath and had the classic "rabbit-in-the-headlights" look about me.
Sound familiar to any of you? Well, it's a natural body reaction. Whenever your subconscience senses danger, it pumps a massive amount of adrenalin and other chemicals through your body and sets your heart on full speed ahead. This blood readies the muscles and the chemicals help this reaction and set your brain into an emergency situation. You will know this by the more common phrase: "Fight or Flight".
This reaction is normal, and perfect when there's immediate danger that would harm you, and that's why the human race has survived for so long. Unfortunately, sometimes the body goes into "Flight or Flight" mode because of a miscommunication from another part of the brain. This is what happened in this situation.
I won't go into detail, but when I was younger, I developed a social disorder in that I found it very difficult to interact with people. This got worse and worse - like, I couldn't go into a shop without feeling uncomfortable - until, one day, I went to a hypnotherapist who saved my life. A bit of a dramatic phrase, perhaps, but he certainly "saved" it in that I'm now just a regular guy that gets shy like normal people would, but can still talk to people, be in social situations and get on with my life.
One of the previous problems was that I had a major problem with "being made a fool in public". It happens to us all sometimes, but I had a particular hang-up about it. That's what happened in this situation: all of a sudden, my body didn't think it could swallow food without me choking, spluttering, or just coughing the food out. That would draw attention to myself and what an idiot I am not being able to eat properly, and it just froze the "swallowing muscles"; instead, it sent the Fight or Flight message.
I managed to get back to the office - spitting my saliva out along the way instead of swallowing it, because I couldn't even do that without a reaction - and just sat in silence, trying to calm myself down but not having very much luck.
I am, however, lucky in that my wife also happens to be a counsellor; I had tried to phone her with no reply, but she phoned back ten minutes later. She could hear in my voice that something was very wrong. After an hour's length of talking she managed to bring me down a bit and work out that it wasn't the food and the threat of choking that was the problem, it was a distant memory of the social phobia that triggered it.
But she went futher than that: after work, she met me in town and - gently - got me to "confront my demon". We went to Jensen's together, just for some coffee and ice-cream ("smooth" foods that would go down my throat easier). I looked a bit like a crane while eating and drinking, but I managed to eat and drink most of my order, along with some of Linda's. We came back home and I also ate a ham sandwich too (albeit without some of the crust).
So here we are: Linda is playing a card game while I write this blog entry. We both tidied the house up (as I have my mother visiting this weekend - that's another story!) which also took my mind off things, and now we're treating ourselves with a glass of chardonnay.
It was "a learning experience," which is a more polite way of saying "a shitty day", but confronting the problem while it was still a fresh experience and battling through it certainly helped. Sure, it was uncomfortable but one just has to remind oneself, "These are just feelings. There's no real danger. These feelings will pass, so ride through them."
After a night's sleep, I think tomorrow will look a bit better. Can't look much worse!
